It has been a long week...good but long:) I got to spend last weekend with my best friend and my family in Columbus! It was a great weekend and it was nice to spend time with everyone. That is the first time in several months that I have actually driven somewhere further than a few miles. With my passing out I was advised not to drive. Since feeling better I have been driving to the grocery store or close places, most always with Dave in the car too.

I saw my new neurologist yesterday...he was incredibly nice and very thorough. He offered several plans of action, and his goal is to get my headaches to only a few per month. I do well for a while, but stress really brings them on. He is starting me on a new preventative medication, and gave me some others to try as backup. He is also getting botox improved with my insurance. He said that it was his most successful treatment, and the relief can last 3 months or longer! I need to get more details on the procedure because Dave thinks I am going to end up with a frozen expressionless face...LOL...I don't think it is used the same as in cosmetic procedures, but I could be wrong. I go back in four weeks for another check up, and the official okay to go to Boston.

The appointment I had yesterday was in a pain management facility here in Canton. I was so sad yesterday after I left. There were so many people there in way worse shape than I am. Then I started to think of my mom, dad, and brother, who all deal with severe pain on a daily basis. I'm sure my headaches don't even come close to what they experience. Even though I don't feel well, or like I did before my concussion, I have made a lot of progress. It is very easy to slump into the "poor me" attitude, which only makes things worse. My husband is always reminding me to keep a positive attitude and I am definitely working on that:)

In other "news", I had a root canal this week. This is most definitely the worst dental experience ever! The dentist we see has some very high tech equiptment, which normally makes dental procedures quicker and easier...today was not the case. They first numbed with with some computerized syringe. I was feeling that it was working, then all of a sudden my heart starts racing and I feel like I am going to pass out (trust me I am an expert at how this feels). Apparently some of the anesthetic they used seeped into my bloodstream and caused me to feel that way. Luckily it only lasted a few minutes, and I did not pass out. After I was numb he proceeded to drill on my tooth, which was extremely painful about 5 times during the procedure. Each time it hurt he had to inject more anesthetic. I think I had the huge needle in my mouth no less than 7 times! The one nice thing is that they prepare your crown right in the office and then put it on that same day, instead of you having to come back in a second time. My mouth has been really sore all week, but is feeling slightly better today. I hope that I never need a root canal again! Anyways......

I am looking forward to the weekend because my brother Billy is coming! He is going snowboarding with Dave in the morning (Dave is ski club advisor at his school). I would really like to go, but I certainly don't need another knock to the head. I really want to use my skis which I have had for over a year and never been able to use. I will just have to be patient and break them in next winter I guess.

Hope everyone has an enjoyable weekend!

I was listening to music today at http://www.pandora.com/, and came across a song I thought I would share by Building 429:

"My world is closing in
On the inside
But I'm not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I'm broken
I'm broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken
When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I'm falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying
When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can't see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I'll leave it in Your hands"


How difficult it is to let go and truly leave things in His hands. Our creator is more than capable of fixing our brokenness and emptiness if we will just let Him.

Isn't it amazing how sometimes someone tells you something you were really needing to hear?...something that just sums up what is burdening you, and gives you encouragement.

An e-mail from my mom today simply read...
"For I know, what e'er befall me, Jesus doeth ALL things well...."

So it is almost official...with a note from my doctor, I will be heading back to Boston to finish my internship! I was there for about three weeks this summer, and my headaches and passing out started back up and I was forced to come home. I am hoping (and praying) that my doctor will give me the okay to go back!

I think my timestamp is off...I did not post at 5:50 this morning:) I was up at 6, but didn't write my post until later...I guess add about 2 hours and you will get an accurate posting time.

I did get a lot accomplished today, but had to crash on the couch for an hour or so. My allergies/ sinuses have been crazy lately! In the past couple of weeks I have had several days full of sneezing fits...today was one of those and I had to break down and take some benadryl, hence the nap:) I did manage to unpack a huge box of dishes and put them away, organize our wedding china, load and run the dishwasher, and made several important phonecalls before the benadryl induced coma:)

I feel less stressed this week, but I don't feel like there is less stress...doesn't go together does it? I think I am just dealing with things better, and realizing that I have little to no control over the outcome of most of the things I have been worrying about. One huge thing I have worried about since last week is a possible lawsuit that I may have to file against a grocery store in Columbus...some of you know the story, and have lived it with me:) For those who don't here is the condensed version:

Labor Day weekend of 2007 my mom and I were headed into the grocery store, and I was slammed in the side of the head with the automatic doors. I thought that I was going to be okay, so did the usual filling out of an incident report with the store manager and was on my way. The manager had mentioned to my mom and me that the door sensors get knocked with the carts all the time, and it causes the sensing to be off and sometimes the doors malfunction and open/close incorrectly. I had a bad headache immediately, but it wasn't until the next morning that we got concerned. I was dizzy, off balance, and seeing stars. We headed to the ER where I was diagnosed with a concussion, which usually take 6 months to heal. A year-and-a-half later here I am still with symptoms. I was off work for half of the year last year, and am on permanent medical leave for this year. This injury has literally turned my life upside down in so many ways. Sometimes I feel guilty for complaining about it because I know so many people who have bigger issues than this, but it has really, really impacted me. Sometimes I can't help but be in the dumps about it, but I am trying not to be.

Needless to say I found an attorney soon after the incident. We have been working on building a case so that I can recoup my medical expenses and lost wages. I got a letter last week from him saying that the company will only offer me $2500...mind you I have over $100,000 in bills and lost wages. That is not even including pain and suffering, emotional distres, etc, etc, etc. When I spoke with him today he told me that we will now have to file an actual suit...being nice didn't work. The kicker is we have to prove that the grocery store is liable, or the case will be thrown out. He described it as an "uphill battle", and didn't sound too reassuring. I am looking for a second opinion, and trying to decide what to do. I just don't understand how they are not liable when it happened in their store, and their employee flat out admitted that the doors mess up all the time. I was not expecting all of this to happen this way or I would have gotten a copy of my incident report, taken pictures of the store, and myself, and gotten the name and info of the man who admitted to the faulty doors. I have none of this info, and therefore not a very strong case. It is too bad that so many people have sued over stupid things, or perhaps this process would be easier. I feel that I deserve compensation for the grief this has caused me, but I would be content with my medical bills and lost wages covered. Oh well...maybe I can find out who was working that day, and get my report.

I am babbling on and on, but I wanted to mention something else of note. My dad has been blogging ( http://dillblog-dillblog.blogspot.com/ ), and has mentioned a lot of things that I have often thought of too. Like Julie commented to his post today, I just have so much to say, and just cannot get it out on paper (or on blog) so that it makes sense. I too feel badly for having been so judgemental of others...it is so engrained in me, and I still catch myself being that way. We were basially taught that because someone did not do or look exactly like we did, that they were not spiritual, or going to heaven. When I really let myself think back, I was always so embarassed about what we were taught to believe. I could never give anyone a reason as to why I wore skirts every day, or why I wasn't allowed to go to church with them....I just had to. I think the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak at my church was when I was nominated onto Homecoming court in high school...a big sin in the eyes of a lot of people at PRCoG. I look back now though and think "Wow, I was looked down upon because my peers looked up to me," because basically that was how it was.

After my parents left PRCoG in 2001 (?) I did not attend church until last year. My life has been so scarred by a church full of judgemental hypocrites (not everyone was), and a power hungry pastor. I truely believe that this place was/is a cult that had/has it's hold on many precious lives. Most people I know that attended this place have since left and sought God for themselves, as have I. We will never figure it all out, but I believe each of us can have a personal relationship with Christ. I don't think that God cares that your sleeves are 2 fingers above your elbow, or that you always wear pantyhose, that you watch t.v, or go to the movies. I think God wants us to seek Him and what he wants for our lives. Don't get me wrong, if God has showed you not to do the things I have mentioned as examples, then do them. I lived too many years around a congregation of people too caught up in the outward appearance, and not paying attention to their relationship with God.

My most pleasant "religious" experience was attending The Vineyard Church of Columbus with my best friend. We went to an evening service and as I looked around me, I was amazed at all of the individuals that stood around me. Each of these people was beautiful and important in God's eyes....just as I am. I didn't matter that people had tatoos, women were wearing pants, etc. But everyone had gathered just as they were to worship and seek God...and deserved to do so without feeling judged.

That was the first time in my 24 years that I had been to church and not felt judged.

It is none of my business, or my place to judge someone else's relationship with Christ.

Glad it is the start of a new week! Last week was weird ...a lot of things happened that made me worry and stress...let's hope this week will be better. My goal this week is to get lots of things done around the house & keep myself busy. I have been lounging around for the past 6 months, napping, watching tv, and doing a whole lot of nothing because of not feeling well. I have been feeling a lot better and figure I should put it to the test before going back to work, or starting an internship. Nothing tests wellness like organizing and cleaning right?:) Let's see if I can make it all day without a nap....

Check out: http://www.coffeehousetheology.com/7lies/. If you question "religion" you will find this interesting. This reminds me of everything that was wrong and horrible about the church I attended for 18 years of my life. Let me know what you think!